I’m a Father?! What The…

It’s Father’s Day.

My wife and daughter are still sleeping. I thought I’d rise early, pour a bourbon, and set the record straight.

I’m a father?! How did this happen?!

Well, I blame my wife and daughter. Making me a father is the single most irresponsible thing my wife has ever done. I blame my daughter less. She was not the instigator. She has, however, fully embraced the experiment and is now a co-conspirator.

I’ll never forget that moment I became a father, the deafening and unstoppable crying of a child who just entered a world of confusion and uncertainty. My newborn daughter whimpered a little too. But, it was my blood pressure and sobbing that concerned the doctors.

On leaving the hospital with our new beautiful daughter, my wife and I, hurriedly and awkwardly, figured out the puzzle known as “car-seat.” We slammed the doors on the getaway car. My wife yelled, “punch it!” I kept checking the rearview. I was certain the hospital, who’d obviously messed up the paperwork and found us worthy parents, had now identified the error and were in pursuit.

I’m now five years into this father thing. It’s all cosplay. I seriously don’t know what I’m doing. Thank God for my wife. She got this. Thanks to her, our daughter is actually smart, beautiful, and kind. I know they know that I’m faking it. But, it means the world that they still take a day to pretend with me and give me credit. It’s the participation medal I never received as a child.

I wonder about my father, my grandfathers, and their dads. Did they feel this way too? Were they just winging it like I am? Probably so. But, I’m glad they faked it so well.

It’s Father’s Day. My eyes are watering up. I love you May. I love you, Olivia. Thank you for making me a papa.